Are you living together like housemates? Feel taken for granted and not really in a loving relationship?
Deepest intimacy - Do you remember when you first got together with your partner, when you started your relationship and were "in love"? Do you remember what you used to talk about? You talked about everything, right? You couldn't get enough of each other.
You got together whenever you could. You talked long into the night and were forever on the phone whenever you were not together. You would talk about yourselves and your past relationships, your hopes and your dreams, your disappointments and your failures " everything! That was because you believed that your partner wanted to know everything about you. You felt safe that no matter what you said, your partner would love you and not judge you.
Shallower communication - Over time things changed. You fell out of love and it may have started like this: She mentions a topic of conversation and gets a negative response from him. This is not what she's used to. Once she gets a negative response a second time she decides not to mention that topic again. She is now more careful, choosing what to say and when, so as to avoid getting another negative response.
He starts to notice a difference in her and enquires, "Are you OK?" "Yes", she answers sharply. "Are you sure, you seem a bit different?" he persists. "Yes, I'm OK", she barks back. He also is a little taken aback by her negative response. From now on he also becomes selective about speaking, in case there is a negative response. And so begins a decrease of intimacy - of telling each other what is going on inside of head and heart - because now there is the risk of a negative response.
The bedroom - It's not long before problems develop in the bedroom with her harboring resentments against him. She is holding on to hurts from the past, prompted by his earlier negative responses. He feels confused and resentful as she distances herself physically from him and continues to snap and bicker. Her sarcasm really hurts sometimes, which of course it is meant to. They both begin to feel disconnected and not in the relationship as deeply as before.
He seeks sexual intimacy, wanting reassurance that she is still in relationship with him. But her unresponsiveness signals that the distance between them is real. Her need is to talk first about the way she is feeling before she can accept him physically. So her response is, "No, not tonight". After a few more "No, not tonight" answers he stops asking for sex, knowing he will be rejected. Once he stops signaling his interest for her physically, she feels even more rejected than before.
Housemates - Once there is no emotional intimacy in a relationship they exist together as housemates. Sharing of feelings is non existent and conversation, whilst respectful, is non-engaging. She tip-toes around him being scared of his negativity and he refrains from telling her things he would like to, fearful of her hysterical response. They no longer have sex and their level of trust decreases. Instead suspicion and resentments rise resulting in petty arguments and bickering. The Housemate Syndrome has arrived!
Deepest intimacy - Do you remember when you first got together with your partner, when you started your relationship and were "in love"? Do you remember what you used to talk about? You talked about everything, right? You couldn't get enough of each other.
You got together whenever you could. You talked long into the night and were forever on the phone whenever you were not together. You would talk about yourselves and your past relationships, your hopes and your dreams, your disappointments and your failures " everything! That was because you believed that your partner wanted to know everything about you. You felt safe that no matter what you said, your partner would love you and not judge you.
Shallower communication - Over time things changed. You fell out of love and it may have started like this: She mentions a topic of conversation and gets a negative response from him. This is not what she's used to. Once she gets a negative response a second time she decides not to mention that topic again. She is now more careful, choosing what to say and when, so as to avoid getting another negative response.
He starts to notice a difference in her and enquires, "Are you OK?" "Yes", she answers sharply. "Are you sure, you seem a bit different?" he persists. "Yes, I'm OK", she barks back. He also is a little taken aback by her negative response. From now on he also becomes selective about speaking, in case there is a negative response. And so begins a decrease of intimacy - of telling each other what is going on inside of head and heart - because now there is the risk of a negative response.
The bedroom - It's not long before problems develop in the bedroom with her harboring resentments against him. She is holding on to hurts from the past, prompted by his earlier negative responses. He feels confused and resentful as she distances herself physically from him and continues to snap and bicker. Her sarcasm really hurts sometimes, which of course it is meant to. They both begin to feel disconnected and not in the relationship as deeply as before.
He seeks sexual intimacy, wanting reassurance that she is still in relationship with him. But her unresponsiveness signals that the distance between them is real. Her need is to talk first about the way she is feeling before she can accept him physically. So her response is, "No, not tonight". After a few more "No, not tonight" answers he stops asking for sex, knowing he will be rejected. Once he stops signaling his interest for her physically, she feels even more rejected than before.
Housemates - Once there is no emotional intimacy in a relationship they exist together as housemates. Sharing of feelings is non existent and conversation, whilst respectful, is non-engaging. She tip-toes around him being scared of his negativity and he refrains from telling her things he would like to, fearful of her hysterical response. They no longer have sex and their level of trust decreases. Instead suspicion and resentments rise resulting in petty arguments and bickering. The Housemate Syndrome has arrived!
About the Author:
More expert advice on recognizing problem areas and dealing with a falling out of love once your relationship deteriorates is available from Karen Gosling's website, which is all about surviving indifference.
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